I Lost My Support System

In about five days, I will be back at school for the fall semester. And, for once in my life, I'm excited about leaving home. I'm stressed and nervous about my first job on campus, but I'm so happy to get away from here. And I'd like to say it's because I miss school or I wanna get back to the books and parties but.... I hate the books and I don't go to parties. I'm excited to leave because I feel so unwanted at home lately. And I mean by everyone, even the people you wouldn't expect to shut me out of their lives.

I've been feeling so detached from people and every time I expressed that or even said something remotely close to it, I was blamed or attacked for having feelings. I'm not exaggerating. It's driven me crazy. Like, 'what's the point of living if nobody cares for my existence' crazy. And I'm not calling myself crazy for having suicidal thoughts, I've just been pretty off because of it. I'm not being shady, but how would you feel if nobody ever put in effort to make you happy, but expected you to do so for them? You'd feel pretty shitty, right? Right. You'd feel like the one holding the whole relationship together, right? Right. And sometimes it's things that are so basic. They require no transportation, money, or anything. People don't even talk to me anymore unless I'm the first to call or text. But "the phone works both ways?" Yeah, right. All I'm gonna say is, I talk to my boyfriend all the time and whether I'm 5 hours away from him in North Carolina or 10 minutes away from him in Covington, he's never made me feel abandoned. Everyone's always saying how I spend every day with him, but that's really because nobody else even bothers. But that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Since I can remember, I have been everyone's key to having a life. Let me explain: I have always been the designated babysitter. I have always been the person to do things for people I cared about...and people I barely even knew lol. Because people who knew me would volunteer me without actually asking ME if I'd mind doing the favor. I missed out on a childhood because of this. I thought that once I was granted freedom from the first traumatic part of my childhood, I'd at least be free to be a kid and act like a kid and hang out with other kids my age, you know? Nope. That is not how it went down at all. Now, I never realized at the time how it would affect me in the long run, but I'm realizing now that all of that was one-sided and now, I'm having suicidal thoughts because I feel like no one ever understands me. It sounds like I'm maybe whiny or dramatic, but I cannot make this stuff up. Being in a harmful situation for so many years only to be in a situation where I have to be an adult most of the time has really deprived me of my chance to be a kid. And, believe it or not, that's a very important thing to be able to do. And missing out on that has brought me here, to this depressed, lonely, part in my life.

People have done way more things to me than they have done for me. And when I say something, as I said, I'm basically told to shut up. Just in a nicer way. But that's okay. Because nobody can tell me to take this post down. Nobody can tell me to shut up on my own website. So, why not just vent to you guys? At least I can pretend someone is listening to me. But I have a question...have you ever felt like this? Have you ever felt taken for granted, ignored, or neglected? Have you ever felt like you do more for people than they'd even be willing to do for you? If so, I feel you and we can talk about it. If not, check on your friends and family and see if they feel like you do these things to them. It's always better to have conversations with people before it's too late. By "too late" I mean before they decide to never speak to you again, or... much worse. This is not a negative post because any time I can get things off my chest and say what I have to say with no interruptions or invalidations from other people, it is a positive thing. For me, at least. Have a blessed week. I'll see you in Statesboro.